Archive: September, 2006

Liza Minnelli’s ex David Gest received some bad news earlier in the week. His $10 million lawsuit against against his ex-wife was thrown out by a Manhattan judge. Gest had sued Minnelli over chronic headaches which he claimed were caused by the “Cabaret” star’s “brutal beatdowns”:

Gest’s lawsuit had painted Minnelli, now 60, as a vodka-swilling diva who was convinced her new husband was trying to upstage her. “I am the star!” Minnelli yelled after allegedly beating Gest and flinging a lamp at him. “She kept beating him and beating him and beating him,” said Lorraine Nadel, an attorney for Gest. “He’s still not the same.”

The latest and seamiest accusations have centered on herpes, with Gest, 53, claiming that Minnelli knew she was infected when she got married for the fourth time. The sexually transmitted disease entered into the discussion again yesterday, when a medical expert for Minnelli pinned the blame for Gest’s headaches on herpes zoster, which causes shingles and chicken pox.

Jesus H. Christ. This is like the perfect storm of celebrity gossip stories. I don’t know where to start. It’s almost like having a naked Jessica Alba in front of you. Do you start with a sensual massage and light petting? Or do you just cut to the chase and go for the violent anal? I’m all man so you know which way I’m leaning. As for the story? Fuck it.

Petra Nemcova can sympathize with the everyday women. She, too, struggles to fit into her size zero dress!

Model Petra Nemcova knows what it’s like to struggle to be a size zero in order to stay on the runway - and says she went on brutal diets and even took laxatives to stay thin. “I went through so many diets in my life. I’ve been very, very skinny. I’ve been a size zero but I’m naturally more curvy,” she tells PEOPLE. “I ate just vegetables, carrots, tomatoes. I went from a just-protein diet to just eating apples to eating no carbs. I took laxatives. I went through all of it just to be able to model.”

Laxatives and starving yourself? What happen to the good ol’ dieting days of cocaine-fueled nights and puke-filled afternoons? That’s why I don’t follow the scene anymore. It seems like today’s models have forgotten all about traditional values. Sigh.

Call me crazy but I think these kids may last:

Anna Nicole Smith exchanged vows with boyfriend Howard K. Stern on a boat near Nassau, but there was no formal marriage and the ceremony is “not legally binding,” her attorney Michael Scott said Friday.Scott said the exchange of vows happened aboard a catamaran Thursday � 18 days after Smith’s 20-year-old son, Daniel, died as he was visiting her in a Nassau hospital, where she had given birth to a baby girl. Stern says he is the father of the baby. The couple “exchanged vows before God” but did not obtain a marriage license, Scott told The Associated Press. “It was not a formal, legal arrangement,” Scott said.

I just don’t know where Anna finds the time. Giving birth to a baby girl last week, a fake wedding this week, her son’s funeral the next. She should seriously consider taking on an assistant.

Nothing like a sordid Hollywood love triangle to spice up the day:

Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson have reportedly hit a rough patch. The stars of “The O.C.” fell in love while working on the show, and it “looked like they were on their way to getting engaged just a little while back,” a source told Star, but “are going through a really difficult period right now.”

One reason, according to the insider, may be because of Bilson’s friendship with Zach Braff, her co-star from “The Last Kiss.” “Zach calls Rachel a lot and they talk on the phone like girlfriends,” says the insider. “But what really eats away at Adam is when Rachel starts talking about how mature Zach is. No guy appreciates his girlfriend comparing him to another guy.”

I can’t wait for the showdown between Zach and Adam. I’m picturing a fight with a lot of scratching, pulling of hair, and possibly an eye gouge or two—not unlike a fight you’d see by the old oak tree in 4th grade.

If I was drilling a chick as hot as Rachel Bilson and Zach started talking to her on the phone “like girlfriends,” I would take a fucking pipe to his head. And then I’d get his sister pregnant and shave my initials into his dog. Dude would know I meant business.

By the way, the last line of that article is totally untrue. My girlfriend use to compare me to Verne Troyer all the time. She said my penis was at least 14% bigger. I told you yesterday I was all man.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, “Two and a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen is close to finalizing a new contract would make him the highest-paid comedy star in television:

Sources said Sheen will earn about $350,000 per episode this season from producer of the CBS powerhouse, Warner Bros. Television. This represents a hefty increase from his previous payday in the low six figures. Sheen also is known to have a significant profit-participation stake in the series, now in its fourth season.

Sources said CBS is kicking in some money for the pay raise for Sheen, as has become common practice for networks in high-level actor renegotiation deals. Sheen began renegotiating his deal in July, shortly after Warner Bros. entered lucrative deals to sell the syndication rights to the Tribune Broadcasting stations (for broadcast) and to FX (for cable), effective 2010.

Wasn’t Charlie banging hookers and doing lines off runaways’ asses just a few years ago? Now he’s making my Grandma laugh as she settles down for the night after a long day of gardening. What the fuck does it take to get blacklisted in Hollywood anymore? You pretty much have to get caught on video raping an elderly blind woman. Still photographs simply will not suffice. Oh no.

Jack Nicholson used what can best be described as an “interesting prop” during a scene in the upcoming movie “The Departed”—although director Martin Scorsese cut it out of the final version:

We told you back when they were shooting here that Jack had taken it upon himself to spice up his scene with two hookers by adding brutality, a mountain of coke and a rubbery, brown appendage. Scorsese told us at Tuesday’s premiere that he wasn’t shocked by Nicholson’s suggestions, because “this sort of sexuality was part of his lifestyle.” Mind you, he was talking about Jack’s character, Boston mob boss Frank Costello. Scorsese ended up whacking the prosthesis from the hooker scene. But it survives in an episode where Nicholson flashes Matt Damon’s character in an adult theater.

What’s more, Nicholson told us, “I’m planning to market a line of them on the Internet - in Day-Glo colors!”

Nothing screams “I am a man who truly understands women’s wants and desires” like a 12-inch hot pink dildo. If only it dispensed chocolate ice-cream and played Grey’s Anatomy repeats–I’d have to beat the ladies off with a stick. We can put a man on the moon but we can’t make a Swiss-Army dildo? I say rubbish to that sir!

Following in the footsteps of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie are planning to go orphan shopping in Africa:

The couple are set to fly to Malawi, in southeast Africa, to meet the president Bingu Wa Mutharika and finalize legal details with adoption lawyers.The pair already have two children — a son together, 6-year-old Rocco, and Madonna’s daughter, 10-year-old Lourdes, from a previous relationship.

An insider tells the British newspaper The People, “Originally Madonna and Guy planned to adopt only one child. But when they were told that might mean breaking up a family unit they immediately said they would take siblings or twins if that was the right thing to do. They want the children to be as young as possible but are prepared to take kids up to the age of 4. And they are also willing to consider a child with special needs arising from being abandoned in an orphanage.”

What’s up with this Hollywood trend of adopting orphans from poor African countries? I miss the old fashioned way of making babies: dinner, date, and a visit from ol’ Uncle Roofie. The only way these orphans could become more trendy is if they all had Louis Vuitton stamped across their foreheads.

According to a “mystery source,” Alec Baldwin drove Sarah Michelle Gellar and other crew members crazy on the set of the upcoming movie, “The Girl’s Guide to Hunting and Fishing”

“He was always p - - - ed about the schedule of the film, and even once said he was doing it just for the money,” said our insider. “He kept saying, ‘This is the last movie I’ll ever make’ to everyone when he was stomping around the set.” Our source added that Gellar - whom the source credited as “very professional and hardworking” - recently called Baldwin a nice guy strictly for public relations’ sake.

Gellar’s rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, insists, “It’s completely not true. She loves Alex - they stuck together like glue. Sarah Michelle should be Alex’s publicist.” But our source continued, “To top it all off, Alec doesn’t like her. He thinks she’s a pushy prima donna.” The source also claims that Baldwin drove Gellar’s stylist, Patricia Field, off the set.

I’ve always wanted to be a mystery source. You can pretty much say whatever the hell you want and people will believe it. Tom Cruise now bathing in fecal matter? Chalk it up to the mystery source. Nicolas Cage bought a black market kidney is 1996? Hey, the mystery source says it’s true. Good times all around.

An annoyed judge threatened Naomi Campbell with arrest on Wednesday after she failed to show up in Manhattan Criminal Court to face charges of assaulting her housekeeper:

“She is absolutely obligated to appear at the next court date or the law will go into effect. A bench warrant will be issued,” Judge James Gibbons told the supermodel’s defense team, Reuters reports. Campbell, 36, faces charges of second-degree assault for allegedly throwing a cell phone at her housekeeper, Ana Scolavino, in March.

In March, a rep for the supermodel characterized the housekeeper’s charges as retaliation for being fired. At the time, Campbell told reporters, “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been extorted.” The London-born model was sued in 2003 by a former assistant who alleged that the Campbell had thrown a phone at her during a tantrum in a Beverly Hills hotel in 2001. In another incident, in February 2000, Campbell pleaded guilty in Toronto to beating an assistant with a telephone.

Naomi’s got this whole housekeeper intimidation thing all wrong. They key is to really focus on the psychological abuse. As my pastor always tells me, first you break them down, then you build them back up. They’ll be cleaning your shoes and cooking you dinner in no time. The thing with cell phones is that they leave marks and bruises. The detectives usually won’t believe your side of the story if your housekeeper has a ’send’ button imprinted into her forehead.

No, no, no. I wanted ONE light-skinned Ethiopian and TWO dark-skinned Tanzanians!

Can you beat my caption?

Winner, decided by me and posted Monday night (10/2), to receive $10 Amazon.com gift code (will be emailed).

Winner (10/2): Congratulations to this week’s winner rick

Yeah you heard me, I think about women when we do it.

Check back this Friday for new contest.