Archive: Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie gives birth to fraternal twins

After weeks of false alarms (see here and here), Angelina Jolie finally gave birth to her twins — a boy and a girl — late Saturday night in Nice, France. The picture below is the mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, showing the birth certificates for Angelina and Brad’s new kids, Knox Leon and sister Vivienne Marcheline, on Sunday. He told reporters assembled outside Fondation Lenval hospital:

“On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple in the world, who have chosen our city for this happy event. We are truly honored and thankful to have them here.” (Source)

For those of you keeping score at home, Angelina and Brad now have six kids. Which, coincidentally, is the perfect number of people to form an elite crew of international cat burglars. I’m just saying, those kids have been a little too quiet lately.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Angelina Jolie had her twins again

Remember last month when Entertainment Tonight reported that Angelina had her twins. Except she didn’t. Well a French magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie gave birth to her twins earlier this morning. Except maybe she didn’t. Closer magazine said:

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu’Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Translation: Angelina went into labor Tuesday night and gave birth this (Wednesday) morning in a French hospital. (Source)

Considering it’s still Tuesday in France — 5:35pm to be exact– saying that Angelina had her twins on Wednesday morning is a little suspicious. Unless they have a time machine. Oh shit, the French developed a time machine. I, I, I didn’t know. I take back everything I said about them. Now can I please borrow it to travel back to tenth century Norway. I’m a Viking!

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Not pictured: peace and quiet

Angelina Jolie hasn’t even given birth to her twins yet and she already wants to adopt another kid. An insider told OK! magazine:

“Angie and Brad have wanted an African boy for the last couple of years. They were initially going to have that adoption follow the addition of Pax last year, but that all changed when Angie got pregnant with twins last fall.”

Now the adoption will have to take place after the twins are born. The in-the-know source said the pair was well into the process of adopting a baby from Ethiopia before learning of Angelina’s latest pregnancy. (Source)

This is getting ridiculous. Brad and Angelina are turning into my grandmother (minus the soiled underwear and boring stories about condoms costing only a nickel). But instead of collecting little porcelain dolls, these two ego-maniacs are collecting the real thing. I just hope that Brad and Angelina realize (unlike grammy) that the main difference between kiln-glazed figurines and real people is that when you eventually grow tired of them, you can’t resell them on Craigslist . . . unless of course you’re these people.

[Pacific Coast News]

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are obscenely rich

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie dropped $140,000 earlier this month at popular L.A. baby boutique Petit Tresor on a nursery for their soon-to-be-born twin girls . . . actually $140,101 if you count the c note Brad used to light his cigar as he was exiting the store and the one dollar bill he crumpled up and threw at a homeless beggar. The New York Daily News has the details.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are preparing their L.A. manse for their twin girls. With the help of baby boutique Petit Tresor, the erstwhile Mr. and Mrs. Smith have created a $140,000 nursery that puts J.Lo and Marc Anthony’s baby haven to shame. Team Jolie-Pitt bought organza bassinets ($800), Versailles-style cribs ($3,200) with matching changing tables ($2,800), armoires ($4,500) and silk gliders. They even installed two pink crystal chandeliers for the girls at a cost of $899 each. But the couple bought basics, too, like loads of oh-so-practical cashmere baby toys. We also hear it took a team of three people from the store to assemble the nursery. (Source)

With the exclusive first pictures of their newborns rumored to be commanding $15 million+ from tabloids, word is that team of three Petit Tresor sent included one person to actually assemble the nursery and two to set up hidden cameras. Amateurs. With seven feet of coaxial cable, a 24 bit binary router, and a high resolution auto-focus Samsung SC-HMX10, that kind of invasive surveillance could have easily been set up in 12-13 minutes by just one person. I heard.

[Getty]

Angelina did not give birth

So remember last week when I posted that thing about Angelina Jolie having her babies? Entertainment Tonight claimed a source “close to the actress” confirmed that Jolie had given birth in France. Jolie’s rep called bullshit and over the next few days we had a gay old time laughing and pointing at ET. But who duped the news outlet? Jolie’s law firm has put the media on notice that a “random impostor” posing as Jolie’s assistant has been dishing out “fictionalized tips.” From the New York Daily News:

The legal letter warned, “This is a fake. A scam on the media and the public.” The real name of the person who posed as Jolie’s assistant - and duped “Entertainment Tonight” into reporting the premature birth of the Brangelina twins - has been located, we hear. A source tells The News’ Nancy Dillon that Jolie’s camp is investigating whether the unnamed impersonator “actively sought out” the attention of the media or “simply replied” to inquiries sent by an “ET” producer. (Source)

It’s pretty obvious who the “random impostor” was. Her first name begins with Jennifer and her last name ends with Aniston. Another clue the fake announcement was made by Jen: the email’s originated from a Baskin-Robbins. Of course this trickery could have been orchestrated by the originator of tasteless humor and over the top pranks: Ashton Kutcher Clay Aiken’s stylist.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Angelina might have given birth

According to various reports out of France, Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins at a Catholic clinic in the country’s Aix-en-Provence on Sunday. According to one paper, “Something something something, something something.” After the delivery, Angelina’s doctor may or may not have said, “I expect to see her in this clinic many more times — after all, her vagina is more easily penetrated than the Maginot Line!”

UPDATE: ET Online claims Angelina had the babies:

A source close to the actress confirms that she has given birth to twins in France. “Babies are great and so is mom,” we’re told. (Source)

While People is calling bullshit:

“Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France,” a rep for the actress tells People. (Source)

Staffers from both ET and People have agreed to meet by the old oak tree after school to “settle the rumors once and for all.”
[BauerGriffinOnline]

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s $70 million house

That resort-like thing above is Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new home in France. The couple is rumored to have just purchased the 1000 acre estate for $70 million. E! says:

With 35 bedrooms, plus a vineyard, lake, forest and moat, Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and the soon-to-be-born twins are going to be playing house in high style.

“It’s called Chateau Miraval in a village called Brignol, which is near from Aix-en-Provence,” a source tells E! News. “And it’s absolutely unbelievable.” (Source)

E! says Brad and Angelina bought the house but I’m also hearing they only leased the house for three years. E! also says with that cardboard partition I added around my computer desk, it totally feels like I have my own office now.

[Splash News]

Angelina Jolie topless! (Saint Jean Cap Ferrat, France - 5/17)

Paparazzi caught Angelina Jolie changing clothes out on the patio of the house she rented for the Cannes Film Festival. Though the pics are grainy and the angle kinda sucks, there is some clear one and three quarter nipple action going on there. According to the bylaws of my Pervert’s Handbook, you can beat off to that.

Dustin Hoffman and Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Kung-Fu Panda at Cannes (5/15)

FACT: Angelina Jolie’s tits are undefeated in staring contests.

[Splash News, BauerGriffinOnline]

Angelina Jolie confirms she’s having twins

Angelina Jolie confirms the rumors on tonight’s Access Hollywood that she’s having twins. The two kids will be Angelina and Brad Pitt’s fifth and sixth children (second and third “real” babies). While giving an interview together about their upcoming movie Kung Fu Panda, Angelina’s costar Jack Black let the news slip:

“You’re gonna have as many as (the) ‘Brady Bunch’ when you have these,” Jack joked.

“It’s confirmed? Is it two?”, [Natalie Morales of the Today Show] asked.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already,” Angelina responded. “Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

“Is that true?”, Jack said jokingly.

“Yeah, you did,” Angelina replied.

“Sorry,” Jack concluded.

“So you’re having twins?”, Natalie asked, as Angelina nodded with a ‘yes.’

“Do you know the sexes of the babies”, Natalie asked. “Or, are you keeping that private?”

“We would like to keep that private,” Angelina said.

“Are you going to stay here in France to deliver?”, Natalie also asked at one point.

“Possibly,” Angelina responded. (Source)

You know those games they have at fairs where you have to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar? I think it’d be cool if Angelina held a contest like that once she pops out these two kids. How many jelly beans can she fit up her vagina? A dollar a guess, all money goes to charity. My guess is ten trillion through ten trillion and fifty. I know that’s fifty bucks but I’ll just write it off.