Archive: Benji Madden

Benji’s too poor for Paris

That thing about Paris Hilton and Benji Madden’s split being a test to see if she can stand to be away from him? Nope. She’s just a shallow whore. Shock! An “insider” told the National Enquirer:

“When she seriously considered growing old with Benji, Paris just couldn’t picture herself with someone she considers an average Joe . . . And while Benji makes a good living in a successful rock band, he’s not the millionaire that Paris envisions spending her life with.”

The final nail in the coffin came when Paris reconnected with her ex-beau, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, in Miami in mid-November.

“Seeing Stavros reminded Paris of the type of guy she wants to settle down with — someone who’s incredibly rich, well-traveled and who shares her thirst for the high life,” added the insider. “Benji just isn’t that type of guy.” (Print Edition - 12/1)

Let’s bottom line this: Paris doesn’t want a guy who’s rich so he can treat her to the lifestyle she’s become accustomed to. She wants a guy that’s rich because he’s the only one who’ll be able to pay for the lifelong STD meds he’s going to need. Any Joe Schmo can pick up Advil from Rite Aid, but only a multimillionaire can afford daily treatments of Valtrex, Penicillin, and wart lancing. You know how expensive that shit is?*

*UPDATE: I heard.

[WENN]

That’s an old money pose

According to Paris Hilton, Benji Madden and her didn’t actually break up. It’s just a test of the heart. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Paris Hilton has told Ryan Seacrest she and main man Benji Madden are still in love, but just ”taking a break.” Yet, a Paris source tells me the hotel heiress believes she likely will marry Madden, but wants ”to know if she absolutely can’t stand to be apart from him. … That’s her test to make sure this is the guy for her … something she’s never felt before with anyone.” (Source)

Hmmm, bang hot drunk chicks seven days a week because you’re 100 times more famous now than you were a year ago . . . or be forced to fake an orgasm every night with Paris Hilton because she’s literally as gaping as an old barrel. Golly gee, what a tough decision. I could see it going either way. Does Benji like the fun and adventure of hot blowjobs or the shame and embarassment that comes with dating a narcissistic whore?

[WENN]

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden leaving Foxtail lounge (11/11)

The rumors are true. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden broke up. Paris’ rep confirmed it to Us Weekly today. The two have been dating since earlier this year. A source close to Paris told the magazine:

“Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends. Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends. Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.” (Source)

I love how Paris and Benji broke up because she “wants to be herself again.” I guess she misses those days of not being able to remember the full name of whatever guy she just blew. “It’s Rick or Ron something . . . all I remember is that he had a hot bellybutton.”

NOTE: Remember Benji, 250 degrees for ten minutes. If you boil your penis for shorter than that, I can’t guarantee that all the STDs will be killed.

[BauerGriffinOnline, Pacific Coast News]

Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos at Mokai nightclub in Miami (11/15)

Possibly. She ran into her ex-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos Saturday night at Miami’s Mokai nightclub and did more than exchange quick pleasantries. A witness told Star:

“Paris and Stavros were all over each other. They were at the same table for about an hour and then they left together. It didn’t seem like Benji was on her mind at all!” (Source)

I sure hope Benji isn’t upset Paris ran into one of her exes. That bitch would have to travel to the deepest jungles of Borneo to find a guy that hadn’t banged her before . . . or the Castro District in San Francisco. If Paris did hook up with Stavros, Benji shouldn’t be too surprised. Confucius used to explain it best when he said, “Girl who like anal, always end up with Greek”.

[The Sun]

Benji Madden is faithful

Benji Madden wants all of us to know that those rumors about him cheating on Paris Hilton are completely false. Uh, thanks, I guess. Now I can sleep in peace. Benji told Life & Style magazine:

“Paris is the love of my life. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. These rumors are not only hurtful but completely false and absurd. She is my life and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Everything they printed is a complete lie. I never give off any impression other than that I am madly in love with Paris. I am disgusted that people would make up such malicious lies. She is my life, my heart and my soul and is the most important thing in my life. No one exists but her. I am the most loyal guy in the world and would never even look at anyone else.” (Source)

You know, in my 55 years of being a Pulitzer Prize-winning Internet reporter I’ve never seen anyone as stupid as Benji Madden. What makes him so impressively stupid isn’t that he thinks Paris Hilton is the “most beautiful woman in the world,” or the hats he wears are cool. No sir, what makes him the dumbest member of Good Charlotte and possibly the human race is the fact that he has indeed, called out the paparazzi. Did you hear that, boys? He basically says not only do you NOT have any pictures of him with other women, but you don’t have the skill, talent, patience, equipment, or testicular fortitude to catch him in a compromising position and break it exclusively on Celebslam. Oh, and he says you’re all dumb and fat — so fat that you can’t see your penis when you stand up. It’s true, he told me.

[Flynet]

“Whore.”

Paris Hilton wants kids. Soon. Oh dear God. At her sister Nicky’s birthday at Pure nightclub over the weekend in Las Vegas, she told People magazine:

“I definitely want three or four [children] . . . Soon. Maybe a year or two.”

In the meantime, she’s just enjoying domestic life with beau Benji Madden. “We just had our 7 month anniversary,” she gushed. “We are just so happy.” (Source)

You know those pinpoint smart bombs we use to rain hellfire and damnation on terrorists in Iraq? You know what I’m talking about? We can blow up a living room by sending a missile through the front door. Anyways, do those things work on uteruses?

[WENN, Pacific Coast News]

Joel and Benji Madden at the Trojan Evolve Party at the Roxy in Boston (9/25)

To answer your question, yes, Joel and Benji Madden did make out shortly after this picture was taken.

[WENN]

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden at the grand opening of Haven nightclub in New York (9/24)

That’s actually not Benji Madden — it’s just a guy that looks like him. That’s Paris’ version of a handshake.

Paris Hilton dating MySpace dude

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden’s relationship may be over. According to sources, Paris is “definitely” dating MySpace cofounder and CEO Chris DeWolfe. And since this just wouldn’t be a Paris Hilton story without some kind of slutty angle, he’s married. From TechChrunch (who never writes about celebrity stuff so this is pretty credible):

42 year old MySpace cofounder and CEO Chris DeWolfe has been dating 27 year old Paris Hilton for at least a few weeks, sources close to the company confirm. We first got wind of this when we saw DeWolfe in a random video clip with Hilton from last month. He’s also been throwing parties in the Hamptons, and Hilton has been at all of them.

Now we’ve got a source in New York that’s confirming the two are dating. DeWolfe is hosting yet another party tonight in the Hamptons, and Hilton will reportedly be there as his date. This is a brilliant marketing move for MySpace (or for Hilton?). Or maybe they actually like each other. All we’ve confirmed is that they are definitely dating.

As far as we can tell DeWolfe still has a wife (but is reportedly separated) and Hilton still has an official boyfriend, but whatever, this is Hollywood. Best of luck to both of them. (Source)

Now that he’s a famous multi-millionaire, it sounds like Chris can finally afford to go off the deep end. But instead of cutting off his own ear like a civilized celebrity, he’s decided to do something even more destructive: date Paris Hilton. Going out with Paris is like playing Russian Roulette with a loaded handgun. Except, instead of bullets, the gun is filled with different STDs. And instead of a handgun, it’s a vagina that looks like this. Poor guy. Those of you in the Southern California area, I’m holding a candlelight vigil for DeWolfe’s penis tonight. Email me for details.

NOTE: 6 more Paris Hilton magic bra pics on PAGE 2 (CLICK HERE)

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Paris Hilton in Copenhagen, Denmark (8/5)

+ Lucy Pinder (and friends) are topless in Zoo [Hollywood Tuna]

+ Hayden Panettiere rockin’ the yoga pants [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Eva Herzigova Topless Pictures from GQ Italy [Egotastic!]
+ The Borat bikini for girls [College Humor]
+ Sarah Larson has not fallen off the face of the earth yet [Bastardly]

+ Angie Harmon pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley expecting twins [I’m Not Obsessed]
+ Sienna Miller back to homewrecking [Dlisted]
+ Monica Bellucci is a goddess [Popoholic]
+ Rihanna and her bitch [A Socialite’s Life]

+ Definitely NOT hot [Double Viking]
+ Kim Kardashian and her tight top go shopping [F-Listed]
+ I would love to throw O.J. off that train [Busted Coverage]
+ Raw footage of the earthquake striking Judge Judy [NinjaDude]

[Flynet]