Archive: Divorce

Dina Lohan filming her new reality show at a youth center in Harlem (3/28)

Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael is reopening his divorce case with ex-wife Dina. Why? Because she’s a huge bitch. Michael told the New York Daily News:

“I gave [Dina] the family house, all the furniture and the $200,000 she owed me just so that I could see my kids and have a relationship with them. But after I gave her everything she wanted, she made it hard as hell for me to see my children. Even though my father is dying and my mother was in a car accident on Easter, my parents still haven’t seen my children. [Dina] told me, ‘It’s up to the kids if they want to see their grandparents.’ But she’s made no effort to put them in touch or make this happen. That is the bottom line. My mother, Marilyn Lohan, was medevacked by helicopter to the hospital on Easter Sunday after hitting a telephone poll and tree. Thank God, she’s okay, but the car was totaled. Every window blew out. My father went into heart failure again yesterday - and yet not one of the kids has seen him.” (Source)

Is anyone surprised that a relative of Lindsay’s got into a car accident? The only thing that chick has “totaled” less than cars is box office receipts. Besides, it should be obvious why Lindsay hasn’t rushed to see her grandmother: she’s not a vile of coke, probably doesn’t put out on a first date, and doesn’t rhyme with “elve inch mock.”

[Splash News]

Heather Mills is a greedy bitch

Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills is looking more and more like a greedy bitch — if that’s even possible. In court documents just released, Mills estimates her yearly expenses to be over $5 million (something the judge called “unreasonable, indeed exorbitant”):

• $1.29 million for full time housekeepers at seven properties

• $1 million for annual vacations (including private and helicopter flights of $375,000.)

• $250,000 for clothes per year.

• $60,000 for equestrian activities annually. The judge noted she no longer rides horses.)

• $80,000 for wine a year. The judge pointed out she does not drink alcohol.

• $86,000 for a driver a year.

• $40,000 for a carer and $380,000 for professional fees p.a.

• $1.08 million a year for security.

• $1.25 million annually to give as charitable donations but Mills admitted $985,000 would be used en route in helicopters, first class and private jets.

• $146,000 for the cost of business staff and $80,000 for helicopter hospital flights a year.

• $.60 for hinge grease.

Guess which one I added

PICS: Heather Mills giving a speech at Trinity College (11/2007)

[WENN]

Mills “relieved” that she can finally quit her day job as court jester

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills’ legal battle is finally over. A judge today ordered McCartney to pay his ex-wife $48.6 million ($33 million lump sum in addition to $15.6 million in assets she already holds). The two were married for four years before divorcing in 2006. People writes:

Speaking on the steps of the High Court in London Monday, Heather Mills declared herself “so, so happy” with her nearly $50 million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney. The 40-year-old ex-wife of the former Beatle said she was “just glad it was over,” referring to the long-running and often acrimonious split. McCartney, 65, upon exiting the court in an indifferent mood, merely said to waiting reporters, “All will be revealed.” (Source)

To recap, Heather Mills was paid $12.15 million/year to be married to an internationally famous music icon. I have both my legs. Winner: Me.

PICS: Heather Mills and Paul McCartney leaving the London High Court today

[Getty]

But he looks so trustworthy . . .

Rather than a standard divorce, Pam wants a annulment from her estranged husband Rick Salomon. The two married in October, split up in December, got back together, and then split up again. Those crazy kids. People says:

Anderson cited “fraud” as the reason for the annulment. No details were given in the court papers, which were filed last Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court. (Source)

Fraud? We’re talking about the guy who mass marketed a tape of himself banging Paris Hilton. Wouldn’t you know he’s a shady dude going into the marriage? That’s like marrying me and complaining about soreness after our honeymoon. Hey baby, you knew how big I was before I slipped those eight carats on your finger.

PICS: Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon leaving Villa Lounge in West Hollywood (12/22/07)

What man could resist such beauty?

Pink and her husband of two years Carey Hart have split up. Rumors have been circulating since late last year that their marriage was on the rocks because Carey couldn’t stop cheating (this pic that surfaced yesterday didn’t help) and Pink, well, Pink’s ugly . . . or should I say “handsome”. The singer’s publicist told People:

“Pink and Carey Hart have separated. This decision was made by best friends with a huge amount of love and respect for one another. While the marriage is over, their friendship has never been stronger.” (Source)

Of course their friendship “has never been stronger”. Who else would Carey call when he needs an oil change or the lid taken off a stubborn jar?

Splash News

Judging by these pictures of Britney ice skating the night she announced her divorce from K-Fed, it looks like she’s already over him. I wasn’t even this happy last week and I won $5,000 at the track and had a threesome with two cheerleaders who were throwing a car wash fundraiser near my house.

Text-PWN3D

Apparently Britney informed Kevin of the divorce via a text message to his cell phone, which ranks slightly behind “sky-writing” and “singing telegram” as the most satisfying way K-Fed could have received the news. To make matters worse, Kevin was in the middle of an interview with Canada’s Much News when Britney dropped the text-bomb on him.

I can totally relate to the feeling of relief Britney’s probably experiencing because I felt the same way after doctors removed that huge pumpkin-sized tumor from my lower intestine.

*When everyone starts making the pumpkin-sized tumor/Kevin Federline comparisons, remember where you heard it first: Celebslam.com!

Update: Found some video of the incident:

I didn’t think she had the balls to do it, but Britney Spears filed for divorce today from husband Kevin Federline:

The Los Angeles County Superior Court filing cites “irreconcilable differences,” said court spokeswoman Kathy Roberts. Spears, 24, married rapper Kevin Federline, 28, in 2004. They have a 1-year-old son, Sean Preston, and an infant son who was born Sept. 12. The divorce papers identify the baby as Jayden James Federline. Calls left for Federline’s representatives also were not immediately returned. The filing comes just a day after Spears, back in shape after the birth of her second child, made a surprise appearance on David Letterman’s “Late Show” in New York by popping up behind him as he was sitting at his desk.

Yet another questionable decision in the life of Britney Spears. Divorcing Kevin Federline* right after his recent album drop is like selling all your shares of Microsoft stock in 1985. Britney’s gonna be kicking herself in fifteen years when she sees K-Fed drive by in his ‘93 Toyota Tercel with custom rims AND polished chrome exhaust. 35 miles to the gallon bitch!

*I’m officially dropping the hyphenated ‘Spears’ from his last name

Note: I would have posted this sooner, but I was down by the seashore enjoying a nice picnic with my harem of concubines. Big thanks to everyone who sent me the tip. You know who you are, you sexy bastards.