Archive: Heidi Montag

Don’t let the Jesus shirt fool you

I think we finally have proof that Heidi and Spencer are the spawn of Satan. They actually enjoy the DMV. From Fox News:

Speaking of romances, “The Hills” couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt visited the Santa Monica DMV on Tuesday afternoon and made the most of their waiting time by making out. Classy. (Source)

Good God, as if going to the DMV wasn’t nauseating enough. It wouldn’t be surprising if watching these two make out was one of the new tests California drivers are required to take before they’re issued their licenses. There’s the standard eye exam, written exam, and now the new stomach strength exam. If you can watch these two suck face without puking, you’re deemed fit enough to operate heavy machinery. Of course, you’ll also be deemed fit for eye bleach.

[Pacific Coast News]

Heidi Montag’s struggle is just like that of Christ himself

Heidi Montag sat down for a little interview with USA Today over the weekend and, surprisingly, the sinner revealed she’s like way into God (”I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.”) — so into God that she wants to record a Christian album in the future (I will take a cheese grater to my ears before I ever listen to that piece of crap). When asked about the rumored existence of a sex tape featuring her Hills costar Lauren Conrad, Heidi said:

“I don’t even want to talk about that. There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.” (Source)

I hear you Heidi. Being nailed to a cross, magazines and websites gossiping about how you started a sex tape rumor, why it’s practically the same thing. A thousand years from now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mel Gibson’s great great great great great great great great great grandson made a movie about your life and times. Passion of the Skank has a nice ring to it.

[Pacific Coast News]

Heidi Montag has a new single

If you hadn’t heard by now, Heidi Montag has a new single “Fashion.” (I’ve already started stockpiling canned goods and toilet paper in preparation for the coming apocalypse and I suggest you do the same. Don’t forget the toilet paper — people always forget the toilet paper.) Us Weekly interviewed Heidi’s producer “RedOne” who strangely claims she doesn’t blow:

Tell Us about “Fashion.”
It sounds amazing. The song is all about fashion and all about her - shopping, clothes, her whole aura. She’s really taken it to the next level…. We are working on more [songs], and it’s crazy, shocking stuff that will surprise everybody.

Can Heidi sing?
Definitely. She’s really good, and I love her personality and the way it comes through in a song. She makes you believe it. She’s great in the studio.

Where do you see her career going?
I definitely think she’s a star. She has a star quality — a powerful personality with no limits. She can do anything and make it sound credible. She’s a born star. (Source)

Science teaches us that the only real difference between animals and humans (besides our affinity for porn) is our ability to learn from our previous mistakes. Apparently Heidi didn’t inherit that chromosome from our species — see the laughably bad “music video” she shot in February. I guess she’s just following her dreams and living by the old biblical* adage “if at first you don’t succeed try try again . . . until you’re forced to sell your ass for rent money on Sunset Blvd.”

*Leviticus 3:2

I go to Sears for all my portraits, too

Earlier this month, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt dropped $10,000 on guns at the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City. The couple picked up two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols, one Scout semiautomatic rifle, and a partridge in a pear tree . . . for target practice. A friend told In Touch:

“They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses. Spencer wants to be prepared for anything.”

Prepared for anything? You mean like a war? Because he’s prepared for a fucking war. Let that be a warning to the cast of Real World: Hollywood. Les Deux and Katsuya is Hills territory. If you’re seen in those places wearing Real World colors, you will be shot.

[WENN]

We’re too late, the children must be burned

According to In Touch Weekly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have made $3 million+ in the past two years. *scratches head* . . . wait, what?:

Since coupling up on The Hills two years ago, the pair have raked in about $3 million from their TV salaries, club appearances, photo shoots and business deals. “We are trying to entertain in every aspect of our lives,” Heidi says. For Heidi, 21, that means also pursuing a music and acting career. “I plan to win an Oscar,” she says. “I’m very ambitious.” Although the couple haven’t made any money off her singing yet, Spencer, 24, who is also Heidi’s manager, is very optimistic about their financial future. “My hustle is just too crazy,” he says. “I’m trying to take over the world!”

$3 million dollars?! Oscar?! 894237p[qh89[q-0erg89 MUST p[924tgg[0b STOP 23th2t8089-24890 BANGING 0[24hn0tgb–0pb=8 HEAD nu0p[890[tg8 INTO 2490q2e-\2349 KEYBOARD. No, but seriously, I wish the best for these two.*

*best = euphemism for fiery death

[Pacific Coast News]

Heidi Montag bikini pics! (Mexico - 5/24)

Ah crap, Heidi Montag can see her implants’ shadow. Looks like we’re in for six more weeks of spring.

UPDATE: Found a bunch more pics (12 more pics on PAGE 2 — CLICK HERE)

CLICK HERE to jump to 12 more Heidi Montag bikini pics on PAGE 2

Actually, no, I don’t want to check out Heidi’s ass

Star magazine claims that Heidi Montag is planning on faking a pregnancy this summer to keep her name in the news. A source told the mag:

“This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around her waist to make it appear as if she’s about three months along. The plan is to get the baby rumor mill going so she can get photographed more. She and Spencer won’t confirm or deny the pregnancy so they can keep everyone guessing.” (Source)

Apparently someone didn’t get enough attention as a child. I mean, really, is there anything this bitch won’t fake for attention? Reality show: fake. Boobs: fake. Orgasms with Spencer: fake. If Heidi really wants to fake something, she start with her own death . . . minus the fake part. Besides, everyone knows Heidi could never get pregnant from Spencer — anal doesn’t work that way.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Heidi and Spencer leaving STK steakhouse in Hollywood last night

Incredibly, Heidi Montag was invited by MSNBC to the upcoming White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Even more incredible, she backed out because her boyfriend Spencer couldn’t come. A source told Page Six:

“Spencer got involved as her manager. He demanded first-class tickets for both him and Heidi - even though he wasn’t invited.” When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

A partial list of the obscure, not “A-listy” enough stars attending the dinner include Pam Anderson, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Donatella Versace, Rep. Charlie Wilson, the Jonas Brothers, Hayden Panettiere, John Cusack, Claire Daines, Rob Lowe, Marcia Cross, and Tracey Ullman. A rep for Montag and Pratt added:

“There was a scheduling conflict so they couldn’t make it - but they always travel together.” (Source)

It’s probably a good thing Spencer and Heidi decided not to go. Can you imagine the conversation these two morons might have had with President Bush? Anyone within 20 feet of that think tank would have been sucked into a blackhole of retardation. Besides, you’d think that a trillionaire like Spencer would have been able to afford his own plane ticket . . . and a better looking date.

[Pacific Coast News]

I didn’t know Tori Spelling was in New York — what a chance encounter!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are in talks with MTV to star in a reality show of their very own, a Newlyweds meets Hills meets ah who fucking cares. A source told the New York Post that he overheard Spencer at New York City’s Kobe Club on Tuesday night pitching the show to MTV exec Tony DiSanto:

“Spencer was saying, ‘I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer,’ and was emphasizing that the show would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad,” we’re told. According to our source, Pratt was “suggesting the show go through the whole lead-up to the wedding . . . finding a wedding planner, hunting for a dress designer, and all the drama that would be part of their wedding plans. The cast of ‘The Hills,’ separately or individually, is a home run. It’s their highest-rated show, so everyone wants a piece of it. MTV isn’t obsessed with the idea, but they’d be crazy not to do it.” (Source)

If I was a MTV executive I would totally greenlight Heidi and Spencer’s wedding show — if six months later we were allowed to follow them through divorce proceedings. Sure, watching two vapid airheads shop for wedding dresses, buy invitations, and interview caterers is fairly entertaining, but watching two trainwrecks hire divorce lawyers, bad mouth each other, and fight over the good china is even better.

[Pacific Coast News]

Heidi Montag has a fashion line

No that’s not Heidi Montag at a “Pimps and Hos Party” over the weekend. She actually has a fashion line now. And that’s what she wore to her runway show Friday night in Hollywood. What class. The only thing that stage is missing is a pole.

NOTE: 22 more pics on PAGE 2 if that’s your sorta thing

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