Archive: Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony in Milan, Italy (7/1)

Marc Anthony was in full pimp mode yesterday at a press conference in Milan, Italy. You know I’d heard the stories about men walking around with that third button undone but I’d always chalked it up to urban legend. Well you know how the old saying goes: if you’ve got the chest of a high school freshman, flaunt it.

NOTE: I’m a little surprised Marc’s not wielding a stick or a club to fend off the ladies. You can’t be too careful.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

“Oh no jew di’int”

You’d think being a new mom might have settled Jennifer Lopez down a little, ya’ know, put things into perspective. Nope. Still a bitch. A witness relays the following tale to the New York Post about Lopez shopping at the Catherine Malandrino boutique last week:

“[Lopez] demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone, but they said, ‘Absolutely not,.’ Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn’t buy one thing.” (Source)

Can you really blame Jen for wanting the store all to herself? With that ass, she probably just needed it empty for logistical reasons. And what’s up with asking for a 50% discount? I thought haggling was beneath “Divas” . . . not named Streisand. The sad thing is that after all of her whining and complaining, Jen didn’t even end up buying anything. I guess the store didn’t have anything in size “Bitch.”

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony exiting a private jet in Zaventem, Belgium (6/18)

Is it just me or is climbing down steep stairs in four-inch platform heels carrying a newborn baby kinda unsafe? I mean, she’s not even looking down. One little misstep and that poor baby is flying onto the concrete, it’s head cracking open like a Cadbury Creme Egg in the hands of a ten-year-old sugar addict on Easter morning.* I guess she’s being a little cocky because she has two of ‘em. Understandable.

*I took a creative writing class in college

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony leaving the Waverly Inn in New York (4/14)

TLC announced yesterday that Jennifer Lopez will be starring in a new reality show on the channel. The “docu-series” will chronicle Lopez juggling her career with being a mom. TLC President **Caution: Hyphenated Last Name Ahead** Angela Shapiro-Mathes said in a statement:

“Jennifer is unbelievably passionate about life and will be an incredible role model for our audience.”

Lopez added, “I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together.” (Source)

It’s good to hear that Lopez is passionate about life because I’d hate for her to be, uh, not . . . passionate about life. What the fuck does that even mean? Do people think before they talk anymore? I could write something that made more sense using magnetic fridge poetry. As for Jennifer being an “incredible role model”, really? The 40-year-old housewives that watch TLC are gonna look up to the chick who’s worth $100 million? Wow I can’t wait to see how Jennifer juggles yelling at four nannies, two personal chefs, and her agent without her voice going hoarse. Oh please Jennifer, tell us your secrets!

[WENN, Pacific Coast News]

Jennifer Lopez and her twins on the cover of People magazine 

Actually it costs them about $7 million. That looks like about a million dollars worth of photoshopping on that fatty J.Lo. — she looks skinnier than she did before she was pregnant. Plus, what’s up with those babies? They’re actually kinda cute. I was expecting something that just came out J.Lo’s vagina to look way more demanding.

Jennifer Lopez baby pics expected to fetch $4 million+

The exclusive first pics of Jennifer Lopez’s twins have reportedly already been sold for between $4 and $6 million. Page Six says:

The buyer? People — though the mag, as well as Jennifer’s reps, denied to Ad Age that any deal for U.S. rights for the pics has been finalized. The asking price will be split with OK! magazine, which will pay for the international rights for its editions around the world. (Source)

If People wants to save themselves $4 million, they could always post this pic of the twins for free. Now I’m not saying the spawn of Marc Anthony will look rat-like . . . but their tails might. All of which begs the question: should the photographer bring toys to get the kids to smile or a delicious smoked Gouda? Either way, if they’ve inherited J.Lo’s ass, she better hope they’re delivered via C-section or her meat curtains will look more beat up than Jesse Metcalfe.

Jennifer Lopez is having twins

Jennifer Lopez’s father confirmed in an interview with Escándalo TV what everyone already knew — that his daughter is having twins. David Lopez said:

“The thing is in my family, my sister also had twins, so it’s a hereditary thing.”

I hope that ass isn’t hereditary or those kids can forget about a natural birth . . . and social acceptance . . . and ever wearing anything under a size 10 . . . and bucket seats . . . and coach class on an airplane. Lopez’s father continues:

“In Puerto Rico it’s custom to buy an azabache [black stone] bracelet for babies to protect them from the evil eye, it’s part of our culture.” (Source)

“The evil eye”? What an asshole. His name is Marc.

PICS: Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez at the “Movies Rock” event in Hollywood (12/07)

Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez at the “Movies Rock” event in Hollywood (12/2)

Don’t expect to see a lot of Jennifer Lopez these next few months. The singer is planning on going underground during her pregnancy because she’s “freaked out” over gaining weight. A source told International Press:

“[Jennifer] is huge and freaking out. Her face has become really puffy from retaining a lot of water. She plans to do a Victoria Beckham now and hibernate for the last few months. You won’t be seeing much of her in public from now on.” (Source)

How does someone who’s ass needs two tickets on a commercial airplane flight “freak out” over gaining a little weight? If she really wanted to lose an extra 65 pounds, she’d get rid of that creepy husband of hers. Dude looks like a 45 year old in a 12 year old’s body. Or as Michael Jackson calls him: “my soul mate”.

NOTE: In other news, I didn’t know Marc Anthony was on vacation in New Guinea.

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez at the “Movies Rock” event in Hollywood (12/2)

Jennifer Lopez Pregnant

During the final concert of her joint tour with husband Mark Anthony last night, Jennifer Lopez finally confirmed her pregnancy. In front of 10,000 fans at Miami’s American Airlines Arena, Lopez announced:

“We didn’t want to say anything before because we didn’t want to take away from the tour, but we’re expecting. I hope you don’t mind,” Lopez said coyly, looking at Anthony. “No, I don’t mind at all,” the 39-year-old El Cantante star said, planting a smooch on his wife’s belly. (Source)

My God she’s gonna be huge. Do they make pants out of tarps? Someone please tell me they make pants out of tarps. *does the Sign of the Cross and whispers silent prayer*