Archive: Justin Timberlake

Jessica Biel is strong

It saddens me to read about these young celebrities not taking advantage of their fame and fortune to wake up next to a new girl every morning of the week. In Touch says

Justin Timberlake can no longer call his house a bachelor pad — he’s asked his girlfriend, Jessica Biel, to move in! “Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” an insider tells In Touch. “They’re both really excited.” But the 26-year-old actress is also hanging on to her own Brentwood, Calif., digs. “Jessica’s giving the house to her parents and brother because she doesn’t want to sell it,” the insider adds. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that he’s ready. “They’re definitely headed for marriage,” the insider says. “Moving in is just the beginning.”

It’s no surprise that Justin’s asking Jessica to move in — that new solid oak armoire he just bought ain’t moving itself! I just hope Jessica’s dietary habits don’t wear off on the poor guy. Because, after a week or two, it gets a little old having every meal comprised solely of protein shakes, creatine bars, and emasculation.

[Pacific Coast News]

Feel the passion between them!

Dating for a little over a year, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s ass (I refuse to call her anything else) are reportedly eager to get married. And if we’re to believe reports that claim Jessica Biel’s ass has quit drinking, the marriage may be of the shotgun variety. A source told UK tabloid The Sun:

“Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with Madonna. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.” (Source)

I just don’t get today’s pop stars. You have millions of dollars in the bank, thousands of unspoiled, underage girls dying to get into your pants, and the youth to exploit those things for decades to come — why settle for one woman? When I become rich and famous, there’s only two chicks I’d settle down for: Brazil and Sweden.

[BauerGriffinOnline, WENN]

Madonna and Justin Timberlake performing at the Roseland Ballroom in New York (4/30)

I’ve always wanted to be grinded on by a 49-year-old mom with three kids. Did you know Madonna is older than the audio cassette? No, seriously, I looked it up. She was also born before Barbie Dolls, Astroturf, and ATMs were invented. So hot!

“I used to love doing this to Britney’s cooter.”

I don’t know why but Justin Timberlake inducted Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Monday. And of course he used the platform to take a shot at his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears:

“The world has always been full of Madonna wannabes, and I might have even dated a couple.” (Source)

That’s just plain mean. Even I wouldn’t take a shot at my mentally ill ex-girlfriend . . . Even though it was kind of weird that she’d wear a lace teddy everywhere we went. OK we get it, you’re an incredibly gorgeous lingerie model. It’s OK to wear normal clothes every now and then. Crazy bitch.

[Getty]

Justin Timberlake at the Brisbane, Australia airport (10/24)

Justin Timberlake pissed his pants after being attacked by a bird in Australia. Entertainmentwise says:

The SexyBack singer - who is currently on tour down under - was enjoying a relaxing day of golf when he was struck by the intimidating bird. Recalling the incident onstage at his Sydney concert on Tuesday night, he said: “[Magpies are] the dive bombing gangsters of the air!” He added, “I didn’t realize until I got to the next tee bar, that I had peed my pants, just a little bit! Just a little bit, not a lot.” (Source)

Pissing yourself is definitely the hot new trend in Hollywood–I hear Depends is doing a show in Milan this Spring featuring Fergie, Justin, and Hugh Hefner. Wait a minute, what the hell does story have to do with last night’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? Sorry guys, I’ll get more pics posted shortly.

Justin Timberlake shotgunning a beer

The fine folks over at Deadspin posted some photos this morning of Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, and James Van Der Beek (WTF?) tailgating at yesterday’s Packers-Redskins game. Timberlake can be seen in the background shotgunning a beer while a confused and bewildered Van Der Beek is in the foreground wondering why someone is pointing a camera at him. Seriously the last time someone wanted a picture with James Van Der Beek the cameraman had to stand under a hood.

INFDaily.com

Justin Timberlake is probably cheating on [girlfriend?] Jessica Biel. A spy witnessed the former boy bander flirting with another woman at an HBO party over the weekend in New York City. From today’s New York Post:

Spies spotted the notorious flirt “sitting with a bronze-skinned brunette with long brown hair all night at a cocktail table near the dance floor” at an HBO party on the roof of the Tribeca Grand. “They were obviously into each other,” said the spy. “It was just the two of them . . . he had no entourage at all.” Another source dished to us, “He is notorious. He will [bleep] anything.” (Source)

According to my awesome powers of deduction [bleep] means “fuck.” You know how I know that? Because Timberlake dated Cameron Diaz for like three years. THREE YEARS! I wouldn’t [bleep] that chick with your penis. Sure she looks great with makeup but then again so does my dog–especially with that rouge I like . . . what a little temptress.

I wouldn’t be wearing a shirt either if I was driving around with Jessica Biel. Or pants. You wouldn’t believe how hot it can get lying in wait in the trunk of a car.

Handlers for both Jessica Biel and Cameron Diaz are going out of their way to make sure the two actresses don’t run into each other at the MTV Movie Awards this Sunday. Earlier this year at a Golden Globes afterparty Diaz “screamed” at Biel after she saw the actress flirting with ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. A source told the New York Post that JT is making the situation harder since he won’t reveal who he’s walking down the red carpet with:

“It’s becoming a big deal because the girls both want very separate arrival times. Nobody knows who Cameron is going to bring, if anyone. But if Jessica walks with Justin, Cameron will want to bring a date. If Jessica goes alone, Cam will probably walk alone. It’s a mess.”

The biggest stars are usually the last to walk the carpet - a position both glam gals are fighting to snag. Diaz, who is accustomed to being at the top of the A-list, wants to avoid the “humiliation” of having an earlier arrival time than Biel at the MTV event.

“Cam is used to being more high-profile than Jessica,” said the source. “But now that Jessica’s dating Justin, she has more leverage. Cameron’s looking a little unstable lately.” (Source)

How stupid is Cameron Diaz? Has she never seen a picture of Jessica Biel in a bikini? She’s yoked. Buff. Ripped. However you want to put it. If she was a Playboy Playmate her likes would include flexing, protein powder, and outlifting you. In other words she would slaughter Cameron Diaz. It’d be worse than the time that team of Navy Seals took down the fort I built out of blankets and couch cushions.

Actress Sallie Toussaint slams Justin Timberlake in the latest issue of Smooth Magazine for his reaction to Janet Jackson’s infamous wardrobe malfunction during their Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime performance. You may know Toussaint from her critically acclaimed role as “Women at Opera” in The Departed and “Blinged-Out Girlfriend” in one episode of The Sopranos. And, umm, that’s pretty much it. Toussaint says:

“I would definitely not date a guy like [Timberlake]! Bringing sexy back? Why doesn’t he bring his bitchass back? After the Janet thing where he didn’t step up, I stopped liking him. He could have helped tremendously by just being a man, but he didn’t. He ripped her top and ran. Timberwuss is quite the fairy. He needs to man up!” (Source)

Step 1. Rip off top. Step 2. Run like hell. I don’t know what this Toussaint chick is bitching about. Timberlake executed it perfectly. It took me years to master Step 2. But I’ll tell ya’ what, the hard work paid off. One of the local papers calls me the Carl Lewis of sex predators.