Archive: Paula Abdul

You can’t hide from the voices Paula

For those of you that had “gynecologist’s office” in the Paula Abdul Breakdown Bingo game we’ve been playing for the last year, congratulations. Lemme check my board . . . dammit! C’mon Paula, I just need you to break down inside a 7-11 and I’ll score a Bingo and win! From the New York Post:

Whatever she was feeling, Paula Abdul was sure making a racket outside her gynecologist’s office Wednesday. Though her rep insists Abdul was “laughing and giggling” in a courtyard outside her doctor’s office on Crescent Boulevard in LA after an exam, a witness said she was having some sort of meltdown. Our spy saw Abdul “sobbing on the phone to her friends and clutching papers from her doctor” for two hours. (Source)

For thousands of years holy men have tried to persuade the masses that there is such a thing as a higher power. From tyrants such as Torquemada to charlatans like Jim Bakker, religious nuts have always preached a divine faith in the almighty. But what none of them were ever able to prove, Paula Abdul’s “sobbing” and crying outside of a gynecologist’s office unequivocally did: there is a God . . . and he’s been listening to my prayers about smiting “Crazy Paula’s” baby-making parts.

[Pacific Coast News]

Paula Abdul goes crazy at the airport

Paula Abdul went insane inside the Continental Airlines Terminal at LAX over the holidays. A tipster told Radar magazine:

“She had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes. One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.” (Source)

Screaming with a Poltergeist voice? Sound like she still hasn’t “exorcised the demons!” By the way, for those of you unfamiliar with Hollywoodspeak, Michael, Sidney, and Leslie are code for Coke, Speed, and Ten Inch Vibrator. In the end this whole incident was actually a pretty good thing for Paula — it’s the first time in 15 years anyone’s paid attention to her!

You may have heard earlier this week about Paula Abdul breaking her nose after she supposedly “tripped” over her pet chihuahua, Tulip. Abdul told reporters: “It hurt so bad . . . I fractured my toe, as well.” A source told the New York Post that Paula is basically lying her ass off:

“Paula did not break her nose. She had pitched a fit, threw something into a mirror or glass object, and a shard of glass struck her in the face, which explains why Paula’s nose didn’t seem swollen,” said our spy. A rep for Abdul termed the account “absolutely, categorically untrue.” (Source)

When they say Abdul’s “fans” were perplexed, which fans are they referring to? A Paula Abdul fan is about as hard to find as a woman’s g-spot … for some guys that is. But certainly not me, he he he. No way. Nope … What? Don’t look at me like that … fine, I’m lying. I’m a virgin. Happy now? Dick.

By the way, don’t laugh about Paula’s chihuahua excuse. Those little suckers can be EXTREMELY dangerous–especially this guy:

Or maybe she’s just an alcoholic. But definitely one of those two. You can judge for yourself after you see this clip of Paula on QVC last Friday. Of course the ladies patrolling the QVC message boards are outraged about Paula’s appearance:

I have never bashed anyone on this site but after a couple of minutes of watching Paula Abdul, I had to call CS and file a complaint. I cannot in my wildest imagination understand how a show like the Q who usually has very articulate and talented guests on have someone who always appears spaced-out on something not to mention the crap she sells. Now to each their own and I am sure some people like her line, which is as it should be but something is seriously wrong here. Is it just me or does anyone else notice that she is not right?

penelope3838

Yeah I admit it, I’m an active QVC forum member (screenname: BargainHunter69). I’m a sucker for a good value and frankly QVC delivers. Go ahead, bash me. It just shows your ignorance. And it leaves more of Today’s Special Value for me. Score!

Star Magazine is reporting that Paula Abdul was a total bitch on a recent Southwest flight from San Jose to Burbank, California. According to an eyewitness:

“[Paula] asked to be let on the plane and seated first,” but after she was told that only young children, people with disabilities and the elderly were allowed to board early, she reportedly declared, “But I’m famous! I need to go on first!”

Once boarding began, Abdul pushed her way in front of the rest of the passengers so that she did get on first, and tried to keep the seat next to her empty, telling others it was taken. Finally, a flight attendant told her she had to give up the seat because the flight was full. Abdul kept her head bowed and reportedly was “twitchy” during much of the trip. (Source)

Paula Abdul’s grievous treatment aboard this Southwest flight is a great example of why I quit flying commercial years ago. You know what happened the last time I asked a flight attendant for a foot rub? She laughed at me. And then she had the gall to pepper spray me because I “allegedly” spit on her. The team of butlers aboard my Lear Jet would never do that! They also make a killer ice cream sundae topped with the blood of my enemies. Well not really but it’s still damn tasty.

Like me, you probably missed Paula Abdul’s Monday appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman (sexily posted above). Fear not faithful readers, you didn’t miss much–except when Paula made fun of nemesis Simon Cowell’s penis:

Letterman asked Abdul, “You honestly hate Simon, don’t you? He’s smug and he’s arrogant. And he thinks you want to have sexual activities with him,”

Abdul responded, “You are right about that. But that will never happen - because his nickname is ‘Small Ben.’” (Source)

My nickname used to be ‘Small Ben’ … when I was seven! But then puberty took over and I’ve been splittin’ pelvises ever since. Incidentally, that last sentence was taken word for word off one of my campaign flyers from back in ‘98 when I ran for mayor of Sexyville. Population: me.

Brandon Davis brought Paris Hilton “to tears” after his antics ruined her birthday dinner at Prime Grill in Hollywood on Saturday night. Hilton’s parents spared no expense for the party dropping an estimated $10,000 on flowers alone. Attending the dinner were such stars as Nicole Richie (with boyfriend Joel Madden), Stavros Niarchos, Courtney Love, and Paula Abdul–who was supposed to sing Paris “Happy Birthday” before Davis made her flee. From an anonymous source via the Daily News:

“[Davis] was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul. Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, ‘Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!’ He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.” (Source)

The fun didn’t end their for the greasy oil heir, oh no. Once Abdul left, Davis turned his attention to Courtney Love:

“He lifted her up so that she was straddling his waist. Her Chanel dress was riding up. Brandon was saying, ‘I want to squirt on you.’ He was humping Courtney in front of her daughter, Frances Bean. When he put her down, Courtney grabbed Frances and they marched out of the restaurant through the kitchen.”

Wait, did this actually happen? This entire story sounds made up. Like the editor of the Daily News was playing Mad Libs on Saturday night with his friends and came up with this crazy story and then decided, aw screw it I’m running with this on Monday. Before you dismiss that scenario as completely unbelievable, keep in mind it’s a little known industry secret that 5% of all major news stories are mad libs. Remember that controversy last month surrounding President Bush farting on Tony Blair’s pet alligator?

Us Magazine is reporting that Courtney Love was recently contacted by American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe to gauge her interest in appearing as a judge on the popular show. Though the specifics are unknown, a source told Usmagazine.com that Lythgoe was considering having Love “replace Paula.” According to Love:

“He called. He was wondering if I was interested. I thought it was kind of weird but brilliant.”

American Idol reps could not immediately be reached for comment.

I’d assume the only reason they’d ever want to replace Paula is because of her recent quirky behavior. Which makes these rumors about Courtney all the more confusing. This bitch’s middle name is quirky behavior. Sure I’m pissed my cat’s been scratching up the couch lately, but I’m not gonna go replace it with a mountain lion.