Actually, no, I don’t want to check out Heidi’s ass

Star magazine claims that Heidi Montag is planning on faking a pregnancy this summer to keep her name in the news. A source told the mag:

“This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around her waist to make it appear as if she’s about three months along. The plan is to get the baby rumor mill going so she can get photographed more. She and Spencer won’t confirm or deny the pregnancy so they can keep everyone guessing.” (Source)

Apparently someone didn’t get enough attention as a child. I mean, really, is there anything this bitch won’t fake for attention? Reality show: fake. Boobs: fake. Orgasms with Spencer: fake. If Heidi really wants to fake something, she start with her own death . . . minus the fake part. Besides, everyone knows Heidi could never get pregnant from Spencer — anal doesn’t work that way.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

“Two tickets to Analtown!”

How do I know? Check out Spencer’s latest advice from his “YO SPENCER!” column from Radar Online:

YO SPENCER! How long do you have to date someone before it’s appropriate to bring up the possibility of anal sex?

SPENCER: If you’re dating a guy, right away. If you’re dating girl, I think you’ll know pretty quick if she’s into that. If they’re not bringing it up, it’s not something on their agenda. That’s just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, “If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.” (Source)

Methinks Spencer knows way too much about coaxing a girl into forbidden sex. I knew he was into that shit — no pun intended — you can just tell. Heidi has that look of defeat in her eyes that only comes from a dick up your ass or being from Florida.

[Pacific Coast News]

Heidi and Spencer leaving STK steakhouse in Hollywood last night

Incredibly, Heidi Montag was invited by MSNBC to the upcoming White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Even more incredible, she backed out because her boyfriend Spencer couldn’t come. A source told Page Six:

“Spencer got involved as her manager. He demanded first-class tickets for both him and Heidi - even though he wasn’t invited.” When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

A partial list of the obscure, not “A-listy” enough stars attending the dinner include Pam Anderson, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Donatella Versace, Rep. Charlie Wilson, the Jonas Brothers, Hayden Panettiere, John Cusack, Claire Daines, Rob Lowe, Marcia Cross, and Tracey Ullman. A rep for Montag and Pratt added:

“There was a scheduling conflict so they couldn’t make it - but they always travel together.” (Source)

It’s probably a good thing Spencer and Heidi decided not to go. Can you imagine the conversation these two morons might have had with President Bush? Anyone within 20 feet of that think tank would have been sucked into a blackhole of retardation. Besides, you’d think that a trillionaire like Spencer would have been able to afford his own plane ticket . . . and a better looking date.

[Pacific Coast News]

I didn’t know Tori Spelling was in New York — what a chance encounter!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are in talks with MTV to star in a reality show of their very own, a Newlyweds meets Hills meets ah who fucking cares. A source told the New York Post that he overheard Spencer at New York City’s Kobe Club on Tuesday night pitching the show to MTV exec Tony DiSanto:

“Spencer was saying, ‘I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer,’ and was emphasizing that the show would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad,” we’re told. According to our source, Pratt was “suggesting the show go through the whole lead-up to the wedding . . . finding a wedding planner, hunting for a dress designer, and all the drama that would be part of their wedding plans. The cast of ‘The Hills,’ separately or individually, is a home run. It’s their highest-rated show, so everyone wants a piece of it. MTV isn’t obsessed with the idea, but they’d be crazy not to do it.” (Source)

If I was a MTV executive I would totally greenlight Heidi and Spencer’s wedding show — if six months later we were allowed to follow them through divorce proceedings. Sure, watching two vapid airheads shop for wedding dresses, buy invitations, and interview caterers is fairly entertaining, but watching two trainwrecks hire divorce lawyers, bad mouth each other, and fight over the good china is even better.

[Pacific Coast News]

Please die

Everyone’s favorite asshole from The Hills, Spencer Pratt, debuted his new advice column in Radar magazine this week. First up? A woman needing help after she got drunk and pissed her boyfriend’s bed:

YO SPENCER! I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?

Spencer: Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she’s pissing in bed. It’s time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy. Regardless, if the guy’s really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn’t count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you’ve ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it’ll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets. (Source)

How desperate do you have to be to turn to Spencer Pratt for advice? Don’t get me wrong, if I needed some tips on how to be a bigger douche bag, he’s the first guy I’d turn to (Tip 1: wear sunglasses indoors as much as possible). But for regular advice, I’ll stick with my trust Magic 8 Ball thank you very much. Oh Magic 8 Ball, it burns when I pee, should I be worried? . . . My Sources Say No . . . Whew! Looks like I can cancel that doctor’s appointment.

PICS: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt who fucking cares (3/22)

[Pacific Coast News]

Spencer doesn’t play by the rules, he brings his own music

Sorry for another story about these two but I promised a special little kid I visited at Children’s Hospital yesterday that I would make fun of them one more time before the weekend. I don’t break promises. Especially not to dying children. Except for that one time I promised poor little Timmy Johnson I’d bring him the biggest ice cream sundae his seven-year-old eyes had ever seen. Too bad I didn’t have any cash on me. What am I, a miracle worker? Page Six says:

Slippery reality “star” Spencer Pratt continues to have a Svengali-like grip on surgically enhanced girlfriend Heidi Montag. Pratt, known best for feuding with Lauren Conrad on MTV’s “The Hills,” is now Montag’s manager. He not only produced her horrendous album, he shot the videos as well, to ensure he alone gets any money from the bottled blonde’s efforts. Pratt is also in talks with producers at a rival network for their own reality show centered on the couple’s lives — and Pratt is in charge. “I overheard them talking with the producer but he would not let [Montag] speak,” said a Page Six spy who saw the duo at Electronic Arts’ party for its video game “Burnout Paradise” at One Sunset in LA last Tuesday. “He was talking about opportunities for them and candidly milking every ounce of press at the expense of Heidi. Meanwhile, she looked out of it and stared at the ground while chewing on her gum and let her boyfriend do the speaking for both of them.” (Source)

You know you’re a vapid moron when the person that does the talking for you is Spencer Pratt. This just goes to prove the theory I’ve always had about the relationship between breast size and brain size. Case in point: Heidi — with her double-d rack — has the mental capacity of burning fecal matter. Conversely, Natalie Portman has smaller breasts than my 11 year old brother but is a member of Mensa. I guess if you want the best of both worlds, you’ve got to find someone in the middle . . . anyone have HER phone number?

[Getty]

Spencer Pratt sex tape?

I know you guys are dying to know the latest gossip about Spencer Pratt from MTV’s The Hills. Really what’s not to love about the guy–there’s his . . . uhhh, he’s . . . who can forget about his . . . just a minute, something should come to me . . . damn, nothing. Moving along, a source told the National Enquirer’s Mike Walker that Spencer has been quietly shopping a sex tape featuring him and a few friends:

Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er . . . hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes! (Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Monta: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,” al la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. (Source)

Releasing a “stolen” sex tape is soooo last year. If this guy really wants to generate some publicity for himself, he should abuse some children (e.g. Britney Spears) or get himself thrown in jail (e.g. Paris, Nicole, Mel, L’il Kim, Michelle Rodriguez, et al.). That way he can come out of prison with some street cred . . . and with those lips, probably lock jaw. Besides, for someone who wants so much attention I get the feeling he’d be VERY popular in jail–and by “he” I mean his butt.

Please die

Spencer Pratt (The Hills) has a revealing interview in the months Radar magazine. And by “revealing” I mean he’s an idiot. Check out this gem:

Radar: So you’re a born hustler?

Spencer: “Well, I’m trying to be a billionaire before 30. Once you find an open market, that’s where you can make billions to trillions of dollars. Every big product, from Proactiv to the Internet—these were things that were just ideas. And I’m a free thinker. There is no box.” (Source)

Trillions? Is this guy eight being interviewed on the knee of Bill Cosby? Who talks like that? Keep in mind Bill Gates pretty much invented computers and he’s worth “only” $50 billion. So unless Spencer finds a way to patent oxygen or sex I think those trillions might slip him by. But–as my father always told me– shoot for the moon and if you miss, the world needs ditch diggers, too.

NOTE: Here’s some pics of Spencer and his girlfriend Heidi Montag “raising awareness” of World Hunger Relief Week by, uhhhh, eating tacos at Taco Bell yesterday.

Heidi and Spencer at LAX

Remember in mid-August when I said MTV’s The Hills is probably fake because of a restaurant scene shot in New York city where it took Lauren five takes to order dinner. Well “probably fake” just got upgraded to “definitely fake” after the scenes shot today at LAX. The above pics show Spencer dropping Heidi off earlier this afternoon. The below pics show Spencer picking up Heidi, uhhhh, earlier this afternoon. The couple changed their shirts but they’re wearing the same pants and shoes in each scene. Surprise? Shock? Disbelief? Anger? Those are just a few of the emotions I might be feeling by right now if I had an I.Q. of less than 40.

UPDATE: Bumped for all the New York Post readers

Pacific Coast News

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in South Beach

NOTE: I’m out of town on a “working vacation” from Monday to Wednesday of this week. I’m using these three days to catch up on the hundreds of bikini pics I never got around to posting this summer. Masturbation jokes will resume on Thursday at approximately 7:30 A.M. Pacific Standard Time.

More pictures of Spencer and Heidi in South Beach after the jump…

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