Archive: Star Jones

Star: “U R A SLUT LOLZ” Barbara: “SRSLY?”

In an interview with Us Weekly, Star Jones blasted Barbara Walters and her new memoir, Audition. In the book, Walters claims that Jones forced her to lie on air about the rotund host having gastric bypass surgery, saying instead that her weight loss was due to portion control (Ed note. more like she lost “control” so she had to have a “portion” of her stomach surgically removed) and Pilates. Star was pissed, so — in reference to Walter’s revelation that she had an affair with a married Senator in the 1970s — she basically called her an old slut:

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.” (Source)

Isn’t it a little harsh to say someone’s “in the sunset of their life” when you’ve been “in the buffet line of life” for most of yours? I’d say that Star’s comments were harsh and insensitive if they weren’t the exact sort of things I say for a living. Of course the difference between what she says and what I say is that I don’t usually do it with my mouth full of cheesecake.

[INFDaily.com]

Mmmmmm, metal

Following months of speculation, Star Jones filed for divorce from her husband of almost four years Al Reynolds. The filing occurred late last month in New York. The former View co-host told Entertainment Tonight:

Several years ago I made an error in judgment by inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce. The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone’s life that requires privacy with one’s thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman.

Tough break for Ben & Jerry’s. Star doesn’t get her stomach surgically reduced to the size of a thimble and she double-handedly* pushes them to record-breaking sales this quarter. On the flip side, Manhattan owes Star’s doctor big time for preventing an island-wide cookie dough shortage this weekend. That’s kinda funny, “Island-Wide” was actually Star’s nickname in high school.

*using two spoons

[BauerGriffinOnline]

“Call me Ishmael.”

Star Jones is back on the market! The National Enquirer claims Star kicked her husband Al Reynolds out of the house nearly a month ago. A friend of the couple’s told the mag:

“They hadn’t been seeing eye to eye for months and had already spent a great deal of time apart,” a friend of the couple told the Enquirer. “Finally, Star decided it was over. She told Al at the end of January that he had 30 days to get his act together or ‘get out.’ Al moved some of his things out of their Upper East Side apartment and returned to Miami, where he’d already been spending a lot of time recently.”

Another source added:

“Star is planning to divorce Al. I think Star felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting. She resented it. Deep down, Star is a very old-fashioned woman who believes a man should support her emotionally, physically and financially. She now believes Al failed her.” (Source)

Who DIDN’T I see this coming? You can’t say your vows looking like Jabba the Hut and then be surprised when your marriage doesn’t work out after you’ve turned into Gregory Hines! Al obviously likes a woman with a little junk in their trunk . . . and in Star’s case, it was a junkyard. Besides, narrow minded stereotypes have taught me that wives are supposed to gain weight when they put on their wedding ring, not lose it.

A certain someone might be cheating on his wife. From today’s New York Daily News:

Al Reynolds was spotted enjoying some fresh air in the Washington Square Park dog run Thursday afternoon. “The funny thing was, it didn’t look like he was there with a dog,” says a witness. (Source)

What an idiot. What kind of idiot risks destroying his storybook marriage to such a beauti … Wait, you say Al Reynolds is married to Star Jones? Well then, what the hell took him so long–why didn’t I see this story six months ago? … Wait a minute, I get it, “dog run” is supposed to be a euphemism for Al and Star’s bedroom. OK. Funny stuff Daily News, you had me there for a second.

Why didn’t any of you remind me it’s been nearly three weeks since I last made fun of Star Jones? The National Enquirer’s Mike Walker provides the perfect setup:

Don’t let Star Jones’s skinny looks fool you - she’s still lookin’ for phat freebies in exchange for sneaky plug-ola on her new Court TV show! Star’s passed the word to fave boutiques and designers that she desperately needs free clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc., because nothing fits her anymore - and cable TV pays WAY less than Big Three network ABC did during her days on “The View.” (Source)

God damn I freak the hell out every time I see a picture of skinny Star Jones. At least–if you squinted your eyes–fat Star Jones vaguely resembled a woman. Skinny Star Jones looks more like something I’d battle in a nightmare. No, but seriously, congratulations to Star for losing so much weight. I don’t know how she found the willpower to … umm … pay a doctor $10,000 to reduce her stomach to the size of a thimble and then brag about all the hard work it took to lose the weight. What courage she has!

NOTE: Sorry for the grainy pic. Trust me, it’s for your own good.

Sometimes my job is really easy. From today’s New York Daily News:

Star Jones ordered one of everything on the menu at Philippe on E. 60th St., but only picked. She did, however, recommend the crispy beef to fellow diners. (Source)

Note to Star Jones: “picking” at your food is usually a healthy strategy–unless the food you’re picking at spans across 40 plates. Why not just stop with the charade and eat seven entire entrees?

BONUS SCENE RECREATION:

Star Jones: “Hi, for an appetizer I’d like the left side of the menu and for an entree go ahead and bring me the right side.”

Waiter [looking over at another waiter]: “Ha! I told you she’d do it, you owe me 10 bucks.”